This is my last day at work… another reality check.
It's not happening to somebody else, I can't feel detached and I can't forget. Distractions don't last. The reassuring words don't work anymore, my mind is desensitised, frozen numb.
I'm finding it hard to hand all my worries over to God. I AM in His hands, not in the hands of those nameless faceless clones. I yell it so it echoes inside my head.
I can only get stronger in Him.
Well I'm sure you'll all be happy to know that my voice box is in full working order. I was charged an abominable amount of money to find that out….. thank goodness for Medicare.
Well despite my 'bad' day and even worse morning… to my own great surprise I am continuing to function. I was asked how I felt today and the description I came up with was 'a lump of plasticine which has been poked and squished one too many times'… I think that's the closest description I'm going to get!!
Well off I go to the Hops-tible again tommorow to meet the 'gang'. Should be interesting if nothing else. Another reality check I guess.
My posts are just getting more and more depressing… so despite all the blahness I WILL think of something blah-free to post about.
Well… work is relatively blah-free and I just realised that I've never really posted about it before.
My boss is very 'fashionable'. Don't get me wrong, she's the best boss in the world, but you wouldn't ever catch her in trakkydacks… For example, today she's wearing a funky t'shirt with graffiti-type writing and real chains hanging off it and leather pants. And although she's in her 50's… it looks really cool!! She makes me look so daggy in my incredibly boring work suit.
And I'm pretty sure I'm the only female in my workplace who DOES'NT wear pointy-witch shoes.
On a totally different subject:…..
AL YOU ARE THE BEST!!!! You probably were'nt planning your kitchen tea around me… but thankfully I can still come!!! I am so excited!!
Don't you hate when you think you're being deeply emotional and in touch with your feelings… and then you think about it and realise that you're just being a moody female….
Hmmm how to describe my week?? Busy but quiet, Happy but sad, awake but sleepy. Maybe I'm waiting to deal with things properly. Maybe I'm afraid to.
Romans 5
3 More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, 4 and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, 5 and hope does not disappoint us, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit which has been given to us. 6 While we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly.
I can't wait to get up to this bit in my readings!!! I guess I just have to remember I have a whole lot to be thankful for…
'D' Day is set for the Tuesday 1st June.
Well, I guess the thing that's hit me worst so far is the realisation that in two weeks I will fall off the face of the planet. I won't be myself, and will probably be completely useless.
I know that it's neccesary and I'll be better off, long term, but why?? Would it matter if it was next year, or the year after? Would it really make a difference?
But there's always a silver lining. In my case it's a very cool mum and bright new gorgeous PJ's.
What is wrong with me? Aren't I supposed to be a blubbering mess on the floor? I should be, people expect me to be. But I am calm, slightly nervous, but calm.
The only thing that really has been a problem is sleep. Somehow the darkness makes it real and feeds your imagination. Ugh…..
'One step at a time' he said. I am restraining my mind from taking bounding leaps!!!
My fears are kind of weird and detached. What will that person say? What will happen with work? I need to buy new Pj's!
I say it once again… Yay for friends. Warming, loving hugs and messages that make me feel like I don't deserve them.
I realised the other day that once my friends are married, they will be a 'Mrs'. Not that I didn't know that, but I just realised what that meant. 'Mrs' Atwood, 'Mrs' Gerber…… weird. Will this mean that they will suddenly take on a matronly appearance and do the ironing in front of 'The Bold and The Beautiful'?? It just conjures up all sorts of mental images!
Mum told me the other day not to expect to hear from my friends once they are married. “They'll get new 'married' friends and you'll never see them again.” ….I wonder if she's bitter?
Meanwhile I am enjoying using my new discman. I listen to it continually as I catch various trains and walk to and from work. It allows me to contemplate and analyse music as I really never did before. Music was only a background 'silence-filler' from which I invariably got distracted. Now I listen to the lyrics more carefully, I notice the harmonies, and I can hear the instruments separately. It's quite refreshing. The best bit is that it distracts me from whatever annoying/disturbing noise/smell/sight that's on the train that day.
I really should find some work to do……. 
Well the euphoria has definately worn off…
It's amazing – when you're unwell the world suddenly seems so much more black and gloomy. Yay for friends.
In other news, I've spent as much time in my pjamas as possible over the last couple of days. There's just something about moocheling around in pj's. I just can't get enough.
My boss just came back from Egypt. She told me she saw Mt Sinai AND the burning bush. Apparently it's still there…!!?? She also brought me a funky necklace and bracelet set…
Ah, well, may the 'blah' mood continue. I'm sick of feeling sad.