27.02.10
4.5 weeks on…
Reporting back on that whole broken ankle thing. ..
Yes, I’m still on crutches. Yes I still have a cast on. And, yes, I’m getting more than a bit fed up. Having said that, I’m learning alot about myself and also what it’s like have a long(ish) term injury.
Now you need to understand that I’m quite uncoordinated. Minus a functioning leg from that scenario and you have a girl that is terrified of her own crutches. I have fallen over 5 or 6 times in the last few weeks. Mostly resulting from crutch malfunction, or purely from losing my balance. One resulted in a sprained arm, another two times resulted in MASSIVE purple and black bruises on my thigh. All I can say is that it is NOT a good idea to fall on your son’s wooden truck. It hurts. Thankfully I haven’t managed to further injure my ankle in these falls.
So I have been progressively becoming more and more scared of using these evil crutches. Almost every night I dream that I can walk normally. It’s all I want right now.
I’ve spent a few nights grieving the loss of activity, of independence, of being able to carry my little boy.. or catch him when he falls. Plus the massive guilt I feel when I see Haoran constantly exhausted and stressed.. It has been so much tougher than I ever imagined. In fact, I can definitely say this last month has been the hardest one in our marriage and one of the hardest in my life.
The joyful moments do rise to the surface occasionally. Micah is a constant source (of course). He has just amazed me how he has just taken this all in his stride. He is now crawling ‘normally’ on his hands and knees… and getting pretty quick too. He’s sprouted two top teeth that only make an appearance when I dangle him over my knee and tickle his belly. He’s very curious and wants to know what everyone is up to.. and often gets underfoot (or crutch). I think he knows that he has to come to Mummy for a cuddle now instead of waiting for me to go to him. And he has coped so well with a constant stream of ’strangers’ in the house.
Joy also sprouts from the the love and generosity of people from family and college and church and Mothers Group. It has been truly overwhelming. People who anticipate my needs, who babysit when Haoran and I need space, even those who simply open a door for me. People who make this time bearable.
Tangent: speaking of opening doors… when you’re on crutches, to open a door is like an 18 step process… if the door automatically swings back it’s even more. An addition to the things I’ve learnt.
I realise that this is probably not the most terrible thing that could ever happen to a person. It’s temporary, fleeting. I am very thankful for that. Yet I find myself needing to drag myself out of that dark pit of depression time and time again. It’s possible being stuck indoors most of the time doesn’t help either.
I have a very large list of things I want to do when I get out of this cast. Problem is: I have no idea what function my leg will have after it’s out. Will it be all wobbly? Or will it still be sore? Will I still need to use those *%&% crutches? (Sorry Mum)
Either way, I am hanging out for the 9th March – which is when, if all things go to plan, I shed that cast and am FREE! In fact, I think a celebratory dinner is in order.
It sounds trite and corny… but I don’t think I’ll ever take walking for granted ever again.